Long Time Gone

So waking up and doing homework last minute I guess I just dont change. Sometimes i wonder if my travels have changed me, and I really dont think they have. And then I realize I really dont care and it was never about that, but I dont know what its all been about anyway. I guess I didnt want to get stuck in Santa Fe or up in Burque at UNM. I guess I just wanted to hsave a change a romantic vision of an adventure. And it was, it has been, but like all visions and dreams when one lives them they becomew realities and the reality of most things is hard and rough and true. The moments of beauty shine like stars in the night, but then pass and extiguish with the heat of the day. Blown away by noon by the wind that never stops. Thats how it became on the ship. In salinas bay in the DR it was like that. Lost from all that you know and love, everyone on the ships futures were up in the air, still are. I dont if the ship is going to cross. >I dont know if it will be able to. There is too much to explain. >I realized we never did much acting on the ship becuase it was already too much drama on the ship. when you made yourself look at it a certain way it became a comedy. But mostly it felt like a tragedy. I am in Mexico. I think and yet I dont. The old churches amaze me yet mean nothing, so many Ive seen, so long since Ive seen friends. It felt good to meet our family. Im meeting Tio Felipe this afternoon, he is actually old friends with the head of the school here. The classes are good, Im learning. I can follow conversations fairly well, I have no problems comunicating. my unsderstanding is a lot better than my speech. I like mexico, I want to come back, but now I want to go home. Walk down the street past the skatepark, under the bridges, wind down alleys and end up at the cross of the matyrs just in time to watch the sunrise.
I realized early on, coming back from a waterfall in St. Lucia that we are always travelling home. I used to think to much, I still do. I relied on my head to much, I forgot my heart. My heart is not here, this is not my home. My heart is running with Colorado and Sadie up at the ranch and sitting on the bunkhouse porch or waking up to dads guitar. My heart is with the foids, and laughing at shit with anna and reading camilas poetry and taking joking with mom. its singing in the mountains with my brothers. Its realizing that its all kinda shitty and hopeful. Its in music and art and family and friends. Mom asked me if my interests have opened up in my travels, but its only reafirmed what I already belived in before I left. Now I know what I must do. Not exactluy how, but I know. I miss Santa Fe, I feel content and ready and lonesome. Time always remains where it was, yet we dont have the abillity to be there. Ive breathed in a lot and now its time to breath out. I saw a mexican possum the other night. It made me happy. it wasnt scarred or hurried. Nope, just popped out the bushes right next to me and chris, didnt even care to look at us, nope, it knew where it was going, wasnt afraid, just jumped on the tree and climbed away up the wall. We were laughing the whole fucking time. When i left for the ship, I would watch the constelation of the seven sisters each night. I knew sara was doing the same back home, It felt good knowing that the distances really arent that far. now the seven sisters are dropping away early in the night, I saw them start in Salinas, I can see them now, but there they traveled the sky adn dropped over the horizon line, northwest, leading me slowy back home. And so I wont find my way
BACK home.
but find my way
FORWARD
Or if time is all the same Im already there, but since the cold physics of space and time tie our bodies to the present we live in, its still ahead for me.
I get lonely and have to tie my heart where I am with memories and songs, but its following those stars
.
But hell Im in mexico for a bit longer, Im enjoying it.
I love you both and I miss you. Keep writing poetry, keep dancing with flowers flying out of your hair and the beads from you necklaces becoming planets orbiting your sunny spin. drink tea, I have my coffee, kiss mia and nico and listen to music soft and loud and run. Keep imaging stories for everyth